A Beautiful Composition of Broken Read online

  you were nothing close

  to what i deserved

  everything was nothing.

  i will no longer search

  for my everything

  in a relationship with someone

  who does nothing to keep me

  this love of self.

  deeply and truly

  i love me, so much

  April 5th I.

  talking shit about others

  won’t reduce the shit

  in your life

  April 5th II.

  listen and understand

  you will need me

  before i ever need you

  and knowing this is my power

  no suffering.

  i don’t suffer from OCD

  i thrive from it

  no.

  never apologize

  for saying no to the things

  you didn’t truly want

  wounds.

  one day

  every scar on your heart

  will make sense

  spectrum.

  she is color

  in a world painted gray

  searching the wrong place.

  do not search for comfort

  in the same heart

  that destroyed yours

  never, nowhere.

  if you missed me

  you’d show up

  if you missed me

  you’d be here

  pure strength.

  i have seen true power

  in the eyes of a woman

  who felt broken

  but kept fighting

  i have witnessed

  a warrior’s strength

  while watching

  a woman survive

  22 minutes after forever.

  the ink in my pen

  swells with the urge to write

  thoughts coming together

  to create words describing you

  stories told beneath the moon

  under a desk light as you sleep

  tonight reminds me of love

  and how much you truly

  mean to me

  2:03:10 a.m.

  i forgot about myself

  while trying to remember you

  the changes, it’s over.

  we ended

  like seasons changing

  we disappeared

  into a rainy fog

  revive.

  i breathe life into poetry

  with every keystroke

  my fingers in motion

  i revive what was thought

  to be dead

  the bookstores.

  every bookstore

  is a museum

  the keeper of words

  the holder of my art form

  my thoughts on display

  a resting place for my books

  march, scream, fight.

  no more silence

  my voice raised with others

  who think as openly as me

  screaming yes for gender equality

  fists up in solitude for equal rights

  from that to now.

  how do you destroy

  the woman

  when you were created

  in her womb

  give, receive.

  teach her that love

  is not only in giving

  remind her that she too

  deserves to receive

  a love that doesn’t force

  her soul to weep

  kingless.

  she’s single

  which makes her

  a kingless queen

  and that’s okay

  live your own life.

  life begins again

  once you stop living the way

  society taught you

  unwanted.

  unwanted sexual attention

  harms the mind

  hurts the heart

  and bothers the soul

  stop

  stop

  stop

  winter within.

  we grow colder

  the longer we hold on

  to anything that isn’t

  good for our soul

  the mourning of.

  wearing the color black

  mourning the loss of myself

  the fracture of my innocence

  the cracks in my heart

  silent night.

  you asked me how i felt

  and silence was my response

  because nothing was what i felt

  the unconditional.

  you won’t leave right away

  your heart will break

  your mind will grow weary

  and your soul

  will long for more

  but you’ll reach

  for the person who pushed you

  to the edge

  because you’re in love

  and that love is unconditional

  that love is beautiful

  that love is pure

  that love should be given

  to yourself

  more than stars.

  while the stars

  compete for the moon’s attention

  she is the only light

  that i search for in darkness

  wearing masks.

  i’m fine

  i’m okay

  i’m just tired

  i’ve been hurting

  the happiness

  is the mask

  that hides

  all emotional truth

  and i’ve been hiding

  all of me

  from all of you

  no. 1 in April.

  these words pour from me

  like rain from foggy skies

  i often fear that i’ll drown

  in my own pool of sadness

  submerged, reaching for no one

  because only i can save me

  i have always saved myself

  no. 2 in April.

  what are we

  where are you

  did you get my call

  did you get my text

  what do you feel

  do you miss me

  what are we

  where do we go from here

  am i wasting my heart on you

  are you the one

  are you seeing other people

  are we exclusive

  do you love me

  why am i asking questions

  that i should know the answers to

  why do i feel the need

  to question you

  and yet you never answer

  little Raymond.

  and to the Raymonds of the world

  the underachievers

  who mumble underneath their breath

  when in the same room

  as the overachiever

  i hope you find your way

  out of the pit of your own failures

  i hope you find some peace

  among the chaos you’ve created

  i wish you well

  as you continuously defame others

  to make up for your own shortcomings

  how sad, how weak

  love, your love.

  it’s okay to love whatever

  or whomever you love

  even if what you love

  isn’t accepted by others

  April in New York.

  my April is colder

  than usual

  my April pours rain

  like Seattle

>   my April hides the sun

  behind its clouds

  my April is gloomy

  like a sky painted gray

  standing in truth.

  there are times

  when i don’t want

  to be strong

  there are moments

  when i’d rather not smile

  there are days

  when i feel like screaming

  there are nights

  when i crumble into the darkness

  of the night

  for years i’ve been fighting

  and most days i want to quit

  so many years of surviving

  and tonight i feel like shit

  and i’m not afraid or ashamed

  to admit that i’m not okay

  i’m far from fine

  a long way from being happy

  this is it, my honesty

  i will stand in my truth

  i will stand when it hurts

  i will stand even when i feel

  like falling

  the city of sin.

  cigar smoke dancing

  in my lungs

  the city’s vices on display

  for everyone to see

  the music loud

  the people in a daze

  high off life’s drug

  some pretending to be happy

  most of all everyone

  trying to escape their daily woes

  i suppose i’m sort of like them

  here in this moment

  trying to chase away

  whatever it is that’s been

  weighing me down

  i needed to get away

  and this is it

  me among family

  me, filled with peace

  6:29:10.

  my mind

  a museum of madness

  my heart

  a museum of pain

  all the lonely people.

  the club was often interesting

  but rarely fun

  weirdly i thought

  the remedy for my loneliness

  was to go to a place

  filled with lonelier people

  the next morning.

  the club was just a place

  where people were celebrating

  their struggles

  by drinking to get away

  from all the fucked-up things

  that occur in their lives

  a temporary distraction

  from all the things

  that will still be there

  when the music stops playing

  a loneliness that will still be there

  in the morning after the stranger leaves

  the club has been prescribed

  to anyone going through

  whatever they’re going through

  but just as i’ve found out for myself

  the club won’t save you

  observations in sin city.

  there’s a difference between

  being wanted and being loved

  and i realized this even more

  while in the lobby of the hotel

  in Vegas, a place that also entertained

  thousands of people with a casino

  restaurants and clubs

  i watched men and women

  stumble in drunken misery

  some alone, others together

  finding each other but only

  for the moment

  i held my fiancée a little tighter

  that night

  the finish.

  to the eyes fixated

  on this page

  to the heart

  that feels broken

  to the mind

  that feels tired

  to the voice

  that struggles to speak

  to the voice

  that struggles

  to be heard

  to the voice

  that the world

  has attempted to silence

  i hope you found

  a truth in these words

  i hope you found

  the inspiration

  to keep fighting

  to keep living

  to keep surviving

  to keep speaking

  to keep going

  i hope you found strength

  in these words

  i hope you found something

  that’ll motivate your soul

  to keep pursuing

  or going after all the things

  you deserve

  thank you for giving me

  your attention

  until next time

  keep fighting

  keep fighting

  keep fighting

  keep fighting

  index.

  #.

  1:21.

  1:25.

  3:27.

  4:00.

  4:32.

  6:29:10.

  6:42.

  6:53.

  7:05.

  7:14.

  8:32.

  8:49.

  11:59.

  12:00.

  12:07.

  12:21.

  12:29.

  12:50.

  12:53.

  :09.

  :11.

  :14.

  :22 after 4.

  :38 after.

  12 is hell.

  2:03:10 a.m.

  22 minutes after forever.

  24 hours.

  3:29:50 p.m.

  4:23:08 p.m.

  5:27:15 p.m.

  6:05 a.m.

  6:16 p.m.

  6:31:05 a.m.

  6:34:30 a.m.

  6:37:10 a.m.

  7:22:22 p.m.

  7:52:20 p.m.

  8:29:10 a.m.

  8:39:52 p.m.

  9:29:13 a.m.

  9:29:38 p.m.

  a.

  a beautiful composition.

  a beautiful mess.

  a danger.

  a grave love.

  a healing.

  a love i hate.

  a love worth keeping.

  a nonexistent us.

  a painful thought.

  a quiet expression.

  a rare find, love.

  a refusal, a strength.

  a restless nightmare.

  a short moment.

  a stillness.

  a sturdy heart.

  a table for one.

  a teen spirit.

  a terrible terror of love I.

  a terrible terror of love II.

  a true form of love.

  a truth I.

  a truth II.

  a truth III.

  a truth IV.

  a void.

  a wishing well.

  ability.

  above the rest.

  aching.

  afraid, my silence.

  after all, in the end.

  again, all over.

  agonize.

  all for love, irony.

  all of her.

  all of me.

  all talk without action.

  all the lonely people.

  all the tales we tell.

  always after midnight.

  among the living.

  an empty love.

  anima I.

  anima II.

  April 1st.

  April 2nd I.

  April 2nd II.

  April 2nd III.

  April 5th I.

  April 5th II.

  April in New York.

  Aries.

  arm raised.

  as i recall.

  assist.

  at 7:22 p.m., to my love.

  August 29th. />
  aware, mindful.

  b.

  battle tested.

  be loud, no silence.

  be loud.

  be.

  because i understand.

  become it.

  before ’13.

  begin again, again.

  behind hate, behind pain.

  belief in the process.

  below busy feet.

  beneath above.

  bits of broken.

  blitz.

  blurred self.

  book of souls.

  books, therapeutic.

  both ways.

  broken chains.

  broken nightmare.

  broken, a healing process.

  busy.

  c.

  campaign.

  careful as i choose.

  certamine.

  child of the moon.

  clarity in mourning.

  coffee and a book.

  comrade.

  connect to.

  cost of communication.

  create more.

  d.

  Dahlia.

  daydreaming life.

  December 27th.

  dedication.

  deep heaven.

  deeply mad.

  demands never met.

  devil, defeated.

  different :22.

  discern, you.

  distancing a memory.

  don’t talk to me.

  e.

  early mourning.

  empty union.

  empty, emptier.

  everyone and their opinions.

  everything 7:22.

  everything is everything.

  everything was nothing.

  f.

  factual.

  fade into shadows.

  false claims of real love.

  feeling, hiding.

  fin, love.

  finis.

  foolish denial.

  for love, for you.

  for the culture.

  forever summer.