Algedonic Read online

  other books by r.h. Sin

  Whiskey Words & a Shovel I

  Whiskey Words & a Shovel II

  Whiskey Words & a Shovel III

  Rest in the Mourning

  A Beautiful Composition of Broken

  dedicated to the fighters

  the survivors

  PAIN | CHAOS

  wanting you

  was never enough

  to make you

  deserve me

  we reach for hands

  unworthy of holding ours

  i apologized

  when you destroyed me

  i held on

  when i should’ve let go

  you’re fighting for him

  and he’s fighting you

  that’s not love

  i know you’re hurting

  but don’t let him break you

  powerful women are tired of trying

  for lovers who never try for them

  she wore her scars

  without hiding

  she wore her pain

  so well

  as children

  we’re told to wait

  for someone special

  but no one ever teaches us

  what special is

  i blame your mother

  for not building

  your self-esteem

  and encouraging you

  to be a queen

  i blame your father

  for not loving you enough

  to keep you from

  searching for a love

  in men who couldn’t

  love you

  she spent most nights

  surviving you

  most nights

  he’s undeserving

  of any space

  in your mind

  a man who hides you

  is a coward

  it happens

  it’s true

  they always leave you

  for the person

  they told you

  not to worry about

  while you lie there hurting

  wide awake

  he’s asleep

  on the piles of lies

  he’s made

  dying for a love

  that never mattered

  sadness fills me

  like a mind

  flooded with pain

  love can perish

  i feel us dying

  my mind

  finds time

  to waste

  on you

  the most dangerous anger

  is the one that lingers

  in silence

  it sits

  it stays

  it lives

  in solitude

  it wants to be alone

  it dwells within me

  i made it easy for you

  to complicate my life

  i have bruises

  no one can see

  i am hurting

  but i’ll just smile

  a man who apologizes

  for things he’ll never stop doing

  doesn’t love you

  he doesn’t deserve you

  her angel eyes

  saw the good

  in many devils

  she accepted a love

  that never matched

  her own

  silence is a language

  that does not need words

  this isn’t what i wanted

  i thought i needed you

  until i realized

  that you never deserved me

  the hardest part is forgiving people

  who were never truly sorry

  who were you before the aches

  of a broken heart

  who were you

  before the world decided

  to tear you apart

  who were you

  before your first love

  turned hopeful to despair

  who were you

  before the disappointment

  back when you used to care

  who were you

  within your innocence

  before they robbed you

  of your smile

  who are you in this moment

  you haven’t been yourself

  for a while

  who were you, who are you

  the questions for the soul

  who were you, who are you

  what makes you feel whole

  we were sold dreams

  that would later become nightmares

  you made me cold

  then complained

  about the chill

  there is pain

  a deep pain

  in the idea

  of good people

  wasting the best parts

  of themselves

  on people

  who are never

  good to them

  bounded by blood

  ruined by hatred

  sometimes family

  feels like the enemy

  sometimes family

  starts the war

  perhaps we laugh

  to mask the cries

  screaming in silence

  we’ve gotten better

  at pretending to be happy

  alone in love

  we love alone

  you’re not in love

  you’re in pain

  and there’s nothing

  romantic or loving

  about that

  aren’t you tired

  of needing things

  from those who are incapable

  of providing the things you need

  they love you

  until they leave you

  then miss you

  when you’ve moved on

  her father never warned her

  about the wolves that love to feast

  on an aching heart

  and so she found herself falling

  for beasts who never loved her

  so many evenings

  alone and lost

  afraid of the loneliness

  struggling to survive

  they force you to shut down

  then judge you for not opening up

  they only miss you

  when you stop missing them

  they only want you

  when you’re wanting

  someone better

  she’s confused by his confusion

  his love feels like hate

  and she’s too tired to sleep

  but she’s too strong

  to let go

  and so she holds on to him

  because she doesn’t want

  to be alone

  but she’s the loneliest

  whenever she’s beside him

  and i hope that one day

  or a night like this

  that she’ll realize that she

  deserves more than he can provide

  her father was the first man

  to half love her

  her father was the first man

  to let her down

  her father taught her

  to love men
r />   who would always

  make her feel

  as if she wasn’t good enough

  her father’s version of love

  was the love she accepted

  from men who couldn’t

  love her correctly

  i’m lost

  and i just want

  to meet myself again

  the abandonment is abuse

  you can’t keep loving people

  who choose to hurt you

  we’re afraid of monsters

  but we are the monsters

  and in theory

  we’re all running

  from ourselves

  shouting toward the moon

  but my voice was overshadowed

  by the night sky

  you cannot find love

  in the arms of someone

  who acts as if they hate you

  we fell like rain

  then drowned

  like the ocean

  you’re an addict

  and i was just

  another drug to you

  a father’s rejection

  damages the soul

  of young girls

  all the way into the pits

  of adulthood

  he destroyed her wings

  then punished her

  for not knowing how to fly

  i ache

  from the weight

  of all the sadness

  in my heart

  all the clouds in me

  are raining

  the wind whispered her name

  the sky turned gray in her absence

  the rain began to fall

  as if to symbolize some type of sadness

  it could be day

  and yet she felt like the night

  collapsing into herself

  until she felt nothing

  numb to the pain

  that once slept in her soul

  i think maybe she’s hurting

  or possibly learning

  to forgive herself

  because in the rebuilding

  of the heart

  it must first be broken

  in order to discover peace

  you must first suffer ill emotions

  you almost fully forfeit

  your right to be happy

  once you’ve chosen to love

  someone who chooses to hurt you

  how far is happiness

  i’ve been walking for so long

  on this journey for so long

  my heart is blistered

  bruised the color blue

  cracks from piecing myself

  back together

  thought i’d be hurt forever

  after loving you

  you never lived up

  to the promises you made

  painting a false representation

  of who you truly were

  and where love should feel like art

  this love was purely a tragedy

  PLEASURE | PEACE

  unpacked and unfolded

  lying on my bed like fresh linen

  warm like fabric from the dryer

  i’d be a liar if i said

  this wasn’t what i wanted

  with my hands on your skin

  desperately wanting you

  sometimes

  you’re better off alone

  there is peace

  in being away

  from it all

  she could be chaos

  she could be peace

  all depending

  on how you treat her

  alone with you

  lost in the silence

  of our peace

  found by your lips

  in the dark

  i long to love you

  like a memory

  worth remembering

  i hope you find someone

  who helps you unpack your heart

  with clean hands

  i don’t mind fucking one person

  for the rest of my life

  i don’t mind having just you

  in a world filled with bodies

  aching to be touched

  i can love one person

  without wanting anyone else

  this is my power

  and this is my gift

  i almost gave you

  the parts of me

  you never deserved

  and we are proof

  that it is never too late

  to walk away

  from the one

  who isn’t the one

  you will miss the way i missed you

  and i will be fine

  i leave holes

  in those i leave behind

  an emptiness they can’t fill

  because i am irreplaceable

  she fit perfectly into my daydreams

  broken and imperfect

  full of flaws and bruises

  left by a love that wasn’t love

  and lies that were thought to be truth

  she was the only star worth searching for

  in a moonlit sky and she was everything

  i could have hoped for

  she was everything i needed

  and i was ready to do whatever i could

  to prove to her that i deserved

  the love that she’d wasted on others

  if she chooses you

  like no one else matters

  hold on to her

  and never let her go

  you are the tomorrow

  that i can’t wait to get to

  could we dance to the silence

  could we move to the tunes

  that live only in our heads

  take her to cabins

  let her toes touch

  the earth

  watch her arms

  grasp the trees

  and fall in love

  with her love for nature

  standing against floor to ceiling windows

  body draped in darkness

  set aglow by the moon

  she fit perfectly with the skyline

  she fit perfectly in the city

  she grew toward the sky

  the sun kept calling her name

  i hope you get lost

  and find yourself again

  girls like you

  deserve a love

  that always

  feels like summer

  she found heaven

  in a bookstore

  she got lost

  in the pages

  oversized sweaters

  and large coffee mugs

  the leaves are falling

  in love with her

  the light lives with you

  you bring the light

  wherever you go

  to the girls

  with wild hearts

  may your souls

  remain free

  drown them with your tears

  sink them to the bottom

  then walk away from that river

  of despair

  the girl with the broken soul

  became the woman

  with the strongest heart

  you’ll be missed

  you’ll be the one thing

  they’ll never forget

  and their biggest regret

  will be losing you
r />   be wild

  be loyal

  be loyal

  be wild

  you are the most interesting thing

  occurring here on earth

  don’t let them make you feel

  as if you are ordinary

  you are not

  our hearts were just waiting

  to collide

  and i just wanted

  to crash into you

  seclusion can be heaven

  alone is peaceful

  so many souls are undeserving