A Crowded Loneliness Read online

  Also by r.h. Sin

  Whiskey Words & a Shovel

  Whiskey Words & a Shovel II

  Whiskey Words & a Shovel III

  Rest in the Mourning

  A Beautiful Composition of Broken

  Algedonic

  She Felt Like Feeling Nothing

  Planting Gardens in Graves

  Planting Gardens in Graves II

  Planting Gardens in Graves III

  Empty Bottles Full of Stories

  (with R. M. Drake)

  She Just Wants to Forget

  Falling Toward the Moon

  (with R. M. Drake)

  We Hope This Reaches You in Time

  (with Samantha King Holmes)

  A Crowded Loneliness

  copyright © 2020 by r.h. Sin. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

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  2020 was a year that began on the shoulders of giants—so many wishes tossed into the night sky before the clock struck midnight, leading us into a year filled with so much promise. And now, those promises that we made to ourselves for this year have lost some of their meaning. It is a hard pill to swallow, this idea that tomorrow may never come and or the future that you’ve been walking toward is further away than you’d like. And despite all the silent chaos that exists at this moment, we must do what we’ve always done. Fight to survive to see what could happen in the future not held captive by this invisible force. These words are a collection of thoughts during a moment of isolation from the rest of the world. These words are a snapshot of what I’ve been thinking.

  If you’re reading this now, I hope you remember that each time you’ve faced any obstacle, you have always found a way to survive, to get through it. To make it to the other side of whatever it was that tried to destroy you. Today, tonight, and any moment of chaos, disappointment, and heartache. You will continue to find ways to overcome and to rise once more, triumphant and stronger than before.

  Thank you for reading this. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to reach you with these words. Never give up on yourself. I will never give up on you.

  Take care,

  r.h. Sin

  The reason this hurts so much is that you didn’t see it coming. One day you had the whole world at your feet, and in a matter of moments, your ability to make plans was taken from you by an unseen force, too powerful to control. You long for yesterday because this moment and every moment after is deeply unpredictable. And what you’ve missed most is all the things you took for granted. Tomorrow is an unclear idea, foggy on most days. But you still get up in the morning, some days more prepared than others. Searching for the meaning of all of this and wondering why it had to happen. Stuck between giving up and getting over.

  Do not surrender to the storm; do not run from its rain. Stand firm above muddy ground and fight until you witness the rainbow that comes after.

  It feels like the ground beneath us is falling toward the sky. All things are in disarray, unbalanced, and upside down. Despite the destruction of your peace of mind, you find ways to get through it, even if it means trying to stand still as the world shakes.

  Perhaps from all of this you will see the value in appreciating the people who still stand beside you amid the storm, showing their support from a healthy social distance. And you will learn who to hold on to and what to let go of when this is over.

  In the darkest of hours, you’ll learn how to use your candle to light up the whole sky.

  I spend most of my days searching for art in all tragedies and waiting for roses to grow when the storm ends.

  You’ve been struggling with all of it for a while now. There’s so much weighing upon your heart, and it just feels like it’s not getting easier.

  You may not see it now, but everything you’re facing is making you stronger, and you must always remember that you are fully capable of doing what needs to be done.

  You are a survivor, you are a fighter, and you must not give up on yourself. Always remember who you truly are. A conqueror, you will get through this.

  I believe in you. Believe in yourself.

  Staying apart is keeping us alive; and from a distance, we meet beneath the same moon, wishing for the same things.

  Your heart is a bit heavier in the here and now. Your days a bit colder as you hide from the sun. Self-isolating to stay alive, self-isolating to keep others safe.

  I know you’re weary, but keep going. You are almost there. You are almost healed.

  You are learning not to build dreams on a relationship that feels like a nightmare.

  You’re dancing through a dark, rainy night, and the moon is your witness. The stars are extra light.

  After this is over, and when the heartache of it all ends, love those who love you. Make an effort for those who always try, and never spend whatever’s left of your life with people who bring you down.

  The sound of people living is what I miss most about New York City, as silence has replaced those beautiful voices.

  I hear you screaming behind those silent eyes.

  I think she’s just tired from going to war for a relationship that isn’t representative of everything she deserves. And I think you have underestimated her ability to walk away. No, she’s not a quitter, but she does have a limit, a breaking point. And when she leaves you, it’ll be for good. There will be no second chances once she realizes that you are incapable of loving her the way she needs.

  It’s just hard to be overlooked by the only one you have eyes for.

  You still have a lot of time to leave him and find more of yourself.

  Some of you never knew how alone you were until you went into self-quarantine with the person you thought you loved.

  so many plans made unrealistic

  so many people left alone

  so many bodies fighting

  so many people won’t go home

  so many days of bad news

  so many minds confused

  so much data and information

  and projections of what we’ll lose

  so many long, tiring nights

  so many long, weary fights

  so many tired eyes

  in search of peace

  in search of light

  so many people feel alone

  so many people holding phones

  so many distractions for the day

  too many people passed away

  The world may be on fire, but you know how to overcome the flames.

  It’s a crazy time we’re living in. When coming together means staying further apart.

  If the right people are letting go of the wrong people, the right love has a chance to happen.

  The sooner you leave him, the faster you can heal
.

  Somewhere someone is reading this with confusion in their mind and hurt in their heart. You’ve spent so much of your life in search of a love that others have refused to give you, and what you sometimes forget is that you are fully capable of giving yourself everything you’ve ever dreamed. You’re with someone right now who will never truly love you in the way you need, and you struggle with letting go because you’re hoping that things will change. But how much of your time are you willing to waste on someone who never has the time to love you? I hope you know that you are strong enough to stand on your own. You are strong enough to walk away. You are strong enough to love yourself. I hope you find the courage to begin imagining your life without the person you thought you needed. I hope you find the courage to let go, because you deserve so much more.

  you are a wildfire

  with no need

  of being tamed

  You scream your truths in solitude and write down how you feel in invisible ink. You tell the face in the mirror to smile, claiming to be okay while cold air settles in your chest. Standing still, but inside you’ve collapsed many times. Always ready to go to war, but you’re tired of fighting. Restless from many battles, but you can’t sleep. You’re reading this right now, but your heart is somewhere else, somewhere it maybe shouldn’t be. Your thoughts run off on you, your mind fixated on someone who you feel you have to fix, but your energy is wasted on the one person who never lifts you up, and so you find yourself often falling. Not in love but in hell. A pit of despair where all the hearts go for loving someone who doesn’t care. Why should you be punished for being brave enough to love? How is it that you continue to find yourself broken by the actions of someone who should be fighting beside you, not against you? And why am I losing sleep writing this to you while you lose sleep over the same person who never considers your heart and what it has been through?

  Oh how the moon loves to keep its eye open to witness you overcome those lonely midnights.

  How many moons must you wait on for your luck to change? Where do you go when hell happens, where is your happy place?

  Let the challenges change you. Let every struggle make you stronger.

  Decide to always commit to things that fuel your desire to be cherished. Walk away from spaces and people that make you feel unappreciated.

  Celebrate the ending. Celebrate the fact that you chose yourself over someone who refused to love you.

  It’s okay to grow and evolve by yourself for yourself.

  I think you’re struggling to let go because you genuinely care about this person. You have the ability to love unconditionally, and so, even though they hurt your heart, you keep trying in hopes of encouraging some sort of change. But you shouldn’t have provided an incentive for someone to love you, and to work harder for someone who rarely tries for you is the beginning of a cycle that will continuously leave your heart broken.

  I like the rain. Sometimes I sneak off to the nearest window to listen to it whisper my name.

  This whole situation has also proven that you can survive the absence of your ex and or anyone you struggle to let go of. When this is over, please continue to keep the wrong people at a distance.

  You’re holding your phone, reading this now, fighting that desire to take him back. You’ve been struggling with this idea of letting go completely because, deep down, you still care. But what does that mean to someone who is inconsiderate and does nothing but hurt you? We don’t know one another, and maybe my words will mean nothing to you at this moment, on this night. Perhaps you’ll scroll past this without even bothering to read it in full. Regardless of what happens at this moment, I hope you remember your strength and what it feels like to fight and survive. I hope you use that strength to let go of everything and anyone who hurts you, and I hope you find the determination to survive the heartache that lives within you right now. I know it’s hard, I know you’re searching for answers, and maybe I’ll be able to help you, but right now all I can do is remind you that when the storm arrives, you always overcome it. So, overcome this.

  May you live more of your life in spaces that bring you peace and make you smile.

  Whoever you choose, decide on someone who supports your desire for self-care and self-love.

  You still care, you didn’t fall out of love, and a part of you will miss that person for a bit, but you want to heal, you need to recover, and letting go is how you get there. Letting go is how you survive.

  It is never too late to fall head over heels in love with yourself.

  Heartbreak isn’t the final destination. It is a red light on the road to something beautiful.

  The sun is never wasted on her skin. The moon sits up all night just to see her.

  You were whole before they walked into your life. You’ll remain whole when they’re gone.

  Despite the scars, you carry your body from day to day, and I think that’s beautiful.

  I hope you stop falling in love with people who make you regret it. I hope you learn to love yourself even when others don’t.

  To find myself, I traveled through chaos to rediscover the peace that has always lived within me.

  Choosing yourself when others overlook you is how you will heal.

  How often it is that we lose sleep over someone who spends their nights thinking about someone else.

  Survive the madness, and peace will be yours to claim.

  You will never be enough for someone who was never enough for you. Your energy will always be wasted on someone who isn’t willing to try for you.

  this year began

  like a bad book

  and today is a page

  i’d like to skip

  a part of me

  wants to forget

  the other half

  wishes there were

  things worth remembering

  we endure storms

  to find our strength

  standing beneath a falling sky

  is how we become stronger

  i am not waiting

  until i die

  to Rest In Peace

  i am not waiting

  until death

  to know what heaven

  feels like

  you created a hole in my heart

  and so i chose to grow a garden there

  now roses bloom in the void you left

  preserve your heart

  for something meaningful

  and you will save your mind

  from the chaos of thinking

  about someone

  who hasn’t thought of you

  the world is upside down

  and fear is free to roam

  check on your friends

  Forgiveness is a gift to self. Forgiving someone isn’t always about that person. Forgiveness is a bridge that will lead you beyond the heartache and put you on a path to healing.

  We’re all struggling with the loneliness that dwells within our hearts, and so maybe none of us are actually alone, as we face this together.

  I grew when you didn’t expect me to grow. I learned to bloom despite your neglect, and I found a way to survive the cold. Yes, I found a way to survive you.

  The stars are no match for the heart that hurts but fights to survive.

  I think you’ll emerge a different person after all of this. I believe you will have evolved to become more powerful than you knew you’d ever be. Despite the pain, the fear, the sadness. This storm will prepare you for what’s to come.

  are the cherry blossoms beautiful

  with no one to witness them

  the colors of spring

  hidden by this haze of sadness

  the sound of feet and legs shuffling />
  replaced with the whisper of the wind

  the sound of laughter and chatter

  replaced with sirens filled with dread

  This was a different type of fire. These flames were meant to light my path to something better. These flames led me back to myself.

  You are a garden. You won’t grow unless you nurture yourself from the roots.

  She just wants to know that you will always be willing to tell her the truth. She just wants to know that you love her enough to fully devote your own energy to remind her that she is loved.

  You can’t fill a woman with lies and expect her to act as if she is full of love for you.

  No matter how difficult it may be, you must always find a way to start over when it ends. Begin again; write a new chapter.

  The heart breaks down, at times in pieces; but once put back together, somehow it is stronger than it was before. Reinforced and strengthened by everything that once destroyed you.

  It may feel like midnight all the time, but your eyes are getting used to the darkness, and you are closer to being able to find your way out.

  I was never afraid of love itself. I had always feared the person on the other end of my affection. You see, falling for the wrong person is like sinking fast in a bottomless pit. Loving the wrong person is its own hell on earth.