She Just Wants to Forget Read online

  other books by r.h. Sin

  Whiskey Words & a Shovel

  Whiskey Words & a Shovel II

  Whiskey Words & a Shovel III

  Rest in the Mourning

  A Beautiful Composition of Broken

  Algedonic

  She Felt Like Feeling Nothing

  Planting Gardens in Graves

  Planting Gardens in Graves II

  Planting Gardens in Graves III

  We Hope This Reaches You in Time

  with Samantha King Holmes

  Empty Bottles Full of Stories

  with R. M. Drake

  you are, you are II.

  I have something to tell you

  One last thing to say here

  I have something I need you to know

  Before I go

  Before we part

  Before this ends

  You are more than you probably know

  You are valuable, just in case you forgot

  You are … wait hold on …

  There’s a knock at the door …

  For some odd reason I didn’t look through the peephole, strange feeling I guess. This moment of understanding hovered over my mind as if I knew who was standing on the other side of the door. It was raining that night, the thunder cracking against the window like a whip. The sky marked by the light of skyscraper buildings. I opened the door without hesitation and there she was. A bold statement of strength and energy. A source of divine motion whenever moving. She stood there soaked in rain and that’s maybe why I didn’t notice the sadness at first because the tears she cried hid behind the appearance of rain water dripping from her face. She never needed me, she was capable of getting to where she needed to get to emotionally on her own but in that moment, I knew I had to be there for her.

  I think this is when she actually entered my life. This would be the moment that would change everything. “It’s crazy how sometimes you have to be destroyed to be made anew,” she said. “Everything happens for a reason, just like this moment. I do believe that what you’re dealing with will pass,” I responded.

  And so, I wrote this for her, for you because you are worth it.

  scene thirty-nine.

  I wrote this for the woman in search of a reminder of who she’s always been. A reminder of who she was before the heartache, before the madness. I wrote this for the woman who has seen a large share of heartbreak, the woman who finds herself tired of being strong, tired of standing in the middle of the storm. I wrote this for the woman who continues to demand more even in the eyes of those who would rather do less. I wrote this for her because she … you … deserve it. You have been through so much and yet you continue to hold your head high, and though you’ve been constantly disappointed, you find new and rare ways to hold on to this sort of hope that feels more like magic. You are powerful even in moments where weakness chases you. You are mighty even though your struggles stand like giants in the doorway of your happiness. I wrote this for you because you are a remarkable woman.

  There’s a light that lives within you that could rival the sun and a glow in your eyes that could distract from the moon on its darkest night. You, this remarkable and rare occurrence, unlike anything most have ever seen. You, this beautiful wonder, a muse to artists and writers like me. Living loud when the world wishes to silence the melody that has been cradled in your heart. Unapologetic with the intention of being greater than the world would have you be. I wrote this for you in hopes of encouraging you to continue toward everything you truly deserve. I wrote these words for the woman in search of a reminder of who she’s always been.

  This is specifically for the woman who feels stuck. I wrote these words for the woman who is tired of fighting for someone who only wants to fight her. Every letter here was meant to form words that will speak to the strong women who are tired of wasting their energy, choosing someone who never chooses them. I wrote this for her, for you. I wrote this for the woman who is looking for a sign. I wrote these sentences for the woman who no longer knows what she wants to do or maybe she’s decided to stay even though she knows leaving will save her soul. That woman is you and she is tired of the confusion and the delusion and of living in a horrific illusion. The truth is, you’re just that powerful. You’re just that strong. You have the ability to hold on even when it hurts. You’re tired of loving someone who refuses to acknowledge your worth. It’s not easy, I know, but in order to grow closer to what you deserve, you’ll need to walk away from the person who no longer deserves you. I wrote this because you’re ready to read it and I hope these words encourage you to move on.

  scene forty.

  There’s something about the day that seems longer than usual whenever you’re dealing with sadness and or fighting through a struggle that would appear not meant for you to survive. It’s days like this where you feel the most tested, tired from the night before. Weary from the evenings of no rest, lying in bed staring at the ceiling in hopes of finding sleep. Incapable of putting your mind to peace, you tumble through the night as if your eyes were closed and your hands were tied as you attempt to navigate down a hill of problems. The night bleeds into the morning sky and your eyes go from dancing around the stars to witnessing the moon vanish to make way for the sun.

  There’s something about the day that seems a bit harder than the rest. You’ve been trying your best to ignore it all but you fall flat on your face without warning and no one is there to witness this. No one is there to lend a helping hand but somehow you end up reaching for yourself because it’s always been that way, hasn’t it? You’ve been all you’ve had since the beginning. Your parents weren’t much help, your struggles began early on and here you are as a result of everything that has happened to you. Here you are today in this moment, struggling through all the things that you have no control over. Your father, inconsistent. His hands barely there to protect you, his hands barely there to shield you and so you had to learn about wolves on your own. He was never present enough and somehow that led you to entertaining relationships with men who were just as inconsistent as he’s always been. Your mother dropped the ball on informing you of what being a woman would mean. She fell short of teaching you those lessons and so you found yourself rogue on any mission that would hopefully lead you to some sort of understanding of yourself. The teachers of your lessons were devils pretending that they could provide some sense of heaven and you believed it because you grew weary of experiencing hell. You wanted something different and so you listened because what they said was the opposite of what you knew but you didn’t know that they would simply do the opposite of what they promised. Honestly, you figured them out to be liars but even then you held on to this hope that one day their words would somehow catch up to their actions. It never does, though, and moving on is so slow. You feel it in your heart and even worse in your soul. All of this because your parents refused to let you know that you yourself are way too valuable to be dealing with some guy with some nerves with mostly pain in his words that sound like love at first. You feel it to your core, all because your parents refused to teach you and so these men would eventually teach you that you are unworthy of everything you actually deserve. All because your parents refused to teach you and so these men would eventually teach you to settle because what you’re looking for shouldn’t have been looked for.

  scene forty-one.

  It was never hard to tell; I think deep down she always knew that there was something going on. Even if you decided to say nothing, even when you thought you were so skilled at hiding whatever it was. Deep down, she always knew and yet she decided to say nothing. She decided to say nothing
because maybe the truth was something she wasn’t ready to face. Maybe she knew that coming to terms with what she’d discover would force her to do everything that she was avoiding all along. They say everything done in the darkness will somehow find it’s moment in the light and this is exactly what happened even when you don’t know that it has. Even when you think that for some odd reason you’ll never be found out. She knows, she knows, she knows and she’ll say nothing for now because right now the lies ironically feel a bit safer. As strange as it may be, the lies you told, the lies she chose to believe have prevented her from facing a horrible truth. She knows and one day when she’s ready, she’ll move forward from you …

  scene forty-two.

  She was tired but she was powerful. She loved you and yet it was never enough because you were never enough for her. She was weary and yet she continued to move, refusing to stand still. Realizing that standing next to you would ruin the opportunity to go after the things that would otherwise bring her peace. She represented something so grand, something so special. Something so rare and still you decided to treat her as if her everything was nothing and so she began the process of cleansing herself of what she initially felt for you. The woman you chose to overlook and neglect decided to love herself rather than continue falling for someone who would never catch her.

  scene forty-three.

  I think there’s this part of you that remains hidden. There’s a side of you that most people rarely see. You’ve buried that part of you deep like roots beneath trees, undiscovered by those who were never willing to search for you. There’s way too much depth in your soul and those too lazy to explore your extra layers have all come up short and you willingly allow it, you don’t bother to tell them that there’s more because you know that not everyone deserves all of which you have to offer. You’ve hidden so much because you’re tired of the betrayal that follows behind those who don’t deserve passage upon your heart’s bridge. So much of you left to be discovered by someone who doesn’t have to be told where to go. Someone who knows what to do and how to treat you without hurting you in the process. I think there’s this part of you that will mean the world to the right person, but until then, you will always mean the world to yourself and there is nothing wrong with protecting your light from those who will only represent darkness.

  Hello, my name is Reuben but you know me as r.h. Sin and while I have your attention here in this moment, I just wanted to take this time to apologize to you on behalf of anyone who has ever hurt your soul. I’m well aware that you may not have gotten any closure or clarity from all those failed relationships and people who have constantly taken you for granted but I wanted to say sorry because even though we’re strangers and we’ve never crossed paths, I believe here and now that you deserve so much more than what you’ve had in the past. I believe in you and your ability to love without condition and while it feels like a curse, it’s truly a gift that belongs to you. A gift that will one day be appreciated by the one who is willing to match everything you’ll provide. I want to apologize to you but at the same time I’d like to remind you that you are amazing, you are someone worth getting to know and I am grateful for the opportunity to speak with you here and now, in this moment.

  your sister III.

  You allowed her into our home without giving it a second thought. I must admit I had my reservations but who am I to stand between family, who am I to prevent you from acting on your heart? I fell in love with you because of the kindness that dwells in your soul and so we became her temporary home. She and her child, your nephew, my nephew too. We allowed her into our home with ease and so it pains me to think about how far she’s gone to alienate you and me as if we did nothing to help. I thought sisters were supposed to move in love, I thought older sisters were supposed to be protective, supportive and loving. I thought more of her, I believed in her, and my mistake was thinking that she had the same heart as you. I was wrong … we were wrong, but life goes on I guess.

  family & friends?

  They always want to bring up your mistakes as if you’ve done nothing right. It’s like no one’s there until you fuck up, it’s like no one cares until there’s a moment provided for them to point a finger at you as if you’re the only one to blame. Insane to think that your accomplishments will often go ignored by the very people who should be proud of you for being more than they’re willing to give you credit for. There’s this concept of family and friends that isn’t always true and sometimes those relationships fail to live up to what they’re defined to be. You are special even when they choose not to acknowledge it. You have a good heart, no matter what they think. You’ve done an amazing job at being you and learning more about yourself without the guidance of those who were supposed to hold your hand through the storm and you’ve grown because of it. You are stronger because of this. So when others aim low in your direction, rise above their jealousy and negativity, high enough to where they will never be able to reach you because anyone who prefers to focus on your lows instead of your peaks has no place in your life.

  exit to the left.

  What are you running from? What truth lies beneath the spine of your book? What have you been concealing with that smile? Where do you go when you need to go so far that you can get away from the pain and the struggle of realizing that none of this will ever be easy to escape? The darkness drapes itself over your heart and you can’t help but crave a light that’ll show you the way toward something better. Your feet are tired from walking in circles of hope invested in people filled with the wrong type of energy. People who say just enough to make you stay, just enough to make you feel like walking away will somehow push you further into the darkness even though you’ve already experienced the worst part. What are you running from? Who are you trying to escape? Where do you go when going away is possibly the only thing you have left?

  weak men cheat

  weak men lie

  weak men make no effort

  weak men cause confusion

  weak men deserve none of you

  or anything you have to offer

  weak men will read this

  and be offended

  weak men will read this

  and never change

  stay away from weak men

  do not waste your strength

  on a man too weak to love you

  she felt like feeling nothing

  she just wants to forget

  she just wants to free herself

  she’s just tired of regret

  she is you

  and she is ready

  she’s been searching

  for something more

  she is ready to move on

  she’s closer to the door

  she listened with ears

  like wolves

  unafraid of the sound

  of the footsteps

  from those who would come

  to try and break her down

  i hope you find someone who hates

  hurting your heart

  hot like tea in the morning

  soothing like whiskey

  on a chilly afternoon

  she is that and i love it

  her silence was loud

  you could hear everything

  she wasn’t saying

  you could see the words

  in her eyes

  she spelled it all out

  with a look

  the tears will flow heavily

  as if almost to drown you

  the sadness will overrun

  your soul

  and take captive of your mind

  there will be moments

  where you feel like quitting

  there will be days

  where it all feels like too much

  there will be nights

  where sleep will
escape you

  and waking up the next morning

  will be the hardest thing

  you’ll ever have to do

  but no matter what storm may come

  you will always survive

  because you are more powerful

  than anything that arrives to break you

  if all you ever have is yourself

  then you

  will save you

  and that, in fact,

  is enough

  scene forty-four.

  There’s a lot going on with you, so much has changed this year and yet so much of it feels the same. You made promises to yourself that have gotten harder to keep. You’ve been going through so much but you’ve held it all together and in this very moment you wonder how long you’ll be able to withstand all of the things that stand in your way of peace. I can’t begin to fully understand what you’re truly going through, I won’t pretend to comprehend all of your daily struggles but I can tell you this. There is beauty waiting behind the curtain. There is an honest assortment of peacefulness living beyond the barriers and there is happiness awaiting you after the storm. Just a little bit longer now and you’ll be where you’re supposed to be and you’ll feel what you deserve to feel. Please, hold on.

  there is something beautiful

  that lives in the heart

  of the girl with the broken smile

  there is something beautiful

  living inside

  of the woman who seems broken

  and i just want to find it

  i just want to find her truth

  there is something about you

  that most people will never appreciate

  but you must learn to love yourself