A Beautiful Composition of Broken Page 8
you were nothing close
to what i deserved
everything was nothing.
i will no longer search
for my everything
in a relationship with someone
who does nothing to keep me
this love of self.
deeply and truly
i love me, so much
April 5th I.
talking shit about others
won’t reduce the shit
in your life
April 5th II.
listen and understand
you will need me
before i ever need you
and knowing this is my power
no suffering.
i don’t suffer from OCD
i thrive from it
no.
never apologize
for saying no to the things
you didn’t truly want
wounds.
one day
every scar on your heart
will make sense
spectrum.
she is color
in a world painted gray
searching the wrong place.
do not search for comfort
in the same heart
that destroyed yours
never, nowhere.
if you missed me
you’d show up
if you missed me
you’d be here
pure strength.
i have seen true power
in the eyes of a woman
who felt broken
but kept fighting
i have witnessed
a warrior’s strength
while watching
a woman survive
22 minutes after forever.
the ink in my pen
swells with the urge to write
thoughts coming together
to create words describing you
stories told beneath the moon
under a desk light as you sleep
tonight reminds me of love
and how much you truly
mean to me
2:03:10 a.m.
i forgot about myself
while trying to remember you
the changes, it’s over.
we ended
like seasons changing
we disappeared
into a rainy fog
revive.
i breathe life into poetry
with every keystroke
my fingers in motion
i revive what was thought
to be dead
the bookstores.
every bookstore
is a museum
the keeper of words
the holder of my art form
my thoughts on display
a resting place for my books
march, scream, fight.
no more silence
my voice raised with others
who think as openly as me
screaming yes for gender equality
fists up in solitude for equal rights
from that to now.
how do you destroy
the woman
when you were created
in her womb
give, receive.
teach her that love
is not only in giving
remind her that she too
deserves to receive
a love that doesn’t force
her soul to weep
kingless.
she’s single
which makes her
a kingless queen
and that’s okay
live your own life.
life begins again
once you stop living the way
society taught you
unwanted.
unwanted sexual attention
harms the mind
hurts the heart
and bothers the soul
stop
stop
stop
winter within.
we grow colder
the longer we hold on
to anything that isn’t
good for our soul
the mourning of.
wearing the color black
mourning the loss of myself
the fracture of my innocence
the cracks in my heart
silent night.
you asked me how i felt
and silence was my response
because nothing was what i felt
the unconditional.
you won’t leave right away
your heart will break
your mind will grow weary
and your soul
will long for more
but you’ll reach
for the person who pushed you
to the edge
because you’re in love
and that love is unconditional
that love is beautiful
that love is pure
that love should be given
to yourself
more than stars.
while the stars
compete for the moon’s attention
she is the only light
that i search for in darkness
wearing masks.
i’m fine
i’m okay
i’m just tired
i’ve been hurting
the happiness
is the mask
that hides
all emotional truth
and i’ve been hiding
all of me
from all of you
no. 1 in April.
these words pour from me
like rain from foggy skies
i often fear that i’ll drown
in my own pool of sadness
submerged, reaching for no one
because only i can save me
i have always saved myself
no. 2 in April.
what are we
where are you
did you get my call
did you get my text
what do you feel
do you miss me
what are we
where do we go from here
am i wasting my heart on you
are you the one
are you seeing other people
are we exclusive
do you love me
why am i asking questions
that i should know the answers to
why do i feel the need
to question you
and yet you never answer
little Raymond.
and to the Raymonds of the world
the underachievers
who mumble underneath their breath
when in the same room
as the overachiever
i hope you find your way
out of the pit of your own failures
i hope you find some peace
among the chaos you’ve created
i wish you well
as you continuously defame others
to make up for your own shortcomings
how sad, how weak
love, your love.
it’s okay to love whatever
or whomever you love
even if what you love
isn’t accepted by others
April in New York.
my April is colder
than usual
my April pours rain
like Seattle
> my April hides the sun
behind its clouds
my April is gloomy
like a sky painted gray
standing in truth.
there are times
when i don’t want
to be strong
there are moments
when i’d rather not smile
there are days
when i feel like screaming
there are nights
when i crumble into the darkness
of the night
for years i’ve been fighting
and most days i want to quit
so many years of surviving
and tonight i feel like shit
and i’m not afraid or ashamed
to admit that i’m not okay
i’m far from fine
a long way from being happy
this is it, my honesty
i will stand in my truth
i will stand when it hurts
i will stand even when i feel
like falling
the city of sin.
cigar smoke dancing
in my lungs
the city’s vices on display
for everyone to see
the music loud
the people in a daze
high off life’s drug
some pretending to be happy
most of all everyone
trying to escape their daily woes
i suppose i’m sort of like them
here in this moment
trying to chase away
whatever it is that’s been
weighing me down
i needed to get away
and this is it
me among family
me, filled with peace
6:29:10.
my mind
a museum of madness
my heart
a museum of pain
all the lonely people.
the club was often interesting
but rarely fun
weirdly i thought
the remedy for my loneliness
was to go to a place
filled with lonelier people
the next morning.
the club was just a place
where people were celebrating
their struggles
by drinking to get away
from all the fucked-up things
that occur in their lives
a temporary distraction
from all the things
that will still be there
when the music stops playing
a loneliness that will still be there
in the morning after the stranger leaves
the club has been prescribed
to anyone going through
whatever they’re going through
but just as i’ve found out for myself
the club won’t save you
observations in sin city.
there’s a difference between
being wanted and being loved
and i realized this even more
while in the lobby of the hotel
in Vegas, a place that also entertained
thousands of people with a casino
restaurants and clubs
i watched men and women
stumble in drunken misery
some alone, others together
finding each other but only
for the moment
i held my fiancée a little tighter
that night
the finish.
to the eyes fixated
on this page
to the heart
that feels broken
to the mind
that feels tired
to the voice
that struggles to speak
to the voice
that struggles
to be heard
to the voice
that the world
has attempted to silence
i hope you found
a truth in these words
i hope you found
the inspiration
to keep fighting
to keep living
to keep surviving
to keep speaking
to keep going
i hope you found strength
in these words
i hope you found something
that’ll motivate your soul
to keep pursuing
or going after all the things
you deserve
thank you for giving me
your attention
until next time
keep fighting
keep fighting
keep fighting
keep fighting
index.
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1:21.
1:25.
3:27.
4:00.
4:32.
6:29:10.
6:42.
6:53.
7:05.
7:14.
8:32.
8:49.
11:59.
12:00.
12:07.
12:21.
12:29.
12:50.
12:53.
:09.
:11.
:14.
:22 after 4.
:38 after.
12 is hell.
2:03:10 a.m.
22 minutes after forever.
24 hours.
3:29:50 p.m.
4:23:08 p.m.
5:27:15 p.m.
6:05 a.m.
6:16 p.m.
6:31:05 a.m.
6:34:30 a.m.
6:37:10 a.m.
7:22:22 p.m.
7:52:20 p.m.
8:29:10 a.m.
8:39:52 p.m.
9:29:13 a.m.
9:29:38 p.m.
a.
a beautiful composition.
a beautiful mess.
a danger.
a grave love.
a healing.
a love i hate.
a love worth keeping.
a nonexistent us.
a painful thought.
a quiet expression.
a rare find, love.
a refusal, a strength.
a restless nightmare.
a short moment.
a stillness.
a sturdy heart.
a table for one.
a teen spirit.
a terrible terror of love I.
a terrible terror of love II.
a true form of love.
a truth I.
a truth II.
a truth III.
a truth IV.
a void.
a wishing well.
ability.
above the rest.
aching.
afraid, my silence.
after all, in the end.
again, all over.
agonize.
all for love, irony.
all of her.
all of me.
all talk without action.
all the lonely people.
all the tales we tell.
always after midnight.
among the living.
an empty love.
anima I.
anima II.
April 1st.
April 2nd I.
April 2nd II.
April 2nd III.
April 5th I.
April 5th II.
April in New York.
Aries.
arm raised.
as i recall.
assist.
at 7:22 p.m., to my love.
August 29th.
aware, mindful.
b.
battle tested.
be loud, no silence.
be loud.
be.
because i understand.
become it.
before ’13.
begin again, again.
behind hate, behind pain.
belief in the process.
below busy feet.
beneath above.
bits of broken.
blitz.
blurred self.
book of souls.
books, therapeutic.
both ways.
broken chains.
broken nightmare.
broken, a healing process.
busy.
c.
campaign.
careful as i choose.
certamine.
child of the moon.
clarity in mourning.
coffee and a book.
comrade.
connect to.
cost of communication.
create more.
d.
Dahlia.
daydreaming life.
December 27th.
dedication.
deep heaven.
deeply mad.
demands never met.
devil, defeated.
different :22.
discern, you.
distancing a memory.
don’t talk to me.
e.
early mourning.
empty union.
empty, emptier.
everyone and their opinions.
everything 7:22.
everything is everything.
everything was nothing.
f.
factual.
fade into shadows.
false claims of real love.
feeling, hiding.
fin, love.
finis.
foolish denial.
for love, for you.
for the culture.
forever summer.